BANDERA, TX- Local teen Katie Awlton, 18, was reportedly seen totally freaking out when she saw a tiny spider near her campsite. According to our sources, while putting up her tent as the sun was setting in rural Texas, Awlton spotted a small spider measuring less than one centimeter in length. “I was like what the fuck! I mean a freaking spider? Near our campsite? In the middle of the woods? That’s fucking disgusting! I feel personally victimized.” Awlton reportedly remarked to her friend Tina Lawar who had joined her on the camping trip. Sources say that bugs are, in fact, rare occurrences in the wilderness, especially while camping. At press time, Awlton and Lawar were both freaking out as they heard a raccoon near their tent, another thing campers never expect to see in the wilderness, especially when they leave food out at night on the campsite.
AUSTIN, TX- Unsure if her 4.0 GPA or perfect AP exam scores would get her into Le Cordon Bleu, premier for-profit university in Austin, area senior Katie Awlton reportedly decided to submit a live video of cooking Kraft Mac and Cheese along with her pristine resume. “You know, I just wanted to submit a video of me creating a true culinary masterpiece,” she casually mentioned to sources. Reportedly Awlton felt more confident about her admission since this live video would supplement any holes her exemplary extra curricular activities and test scores left. Although she had received early admission from both MIT and Harvard, Awlton was deeply concerned about the 93% acceptance rate at Le Cordon Bleu, stating that she was unable to make the cut at the University of Kansas. At press time admissions counselors at the Cordon Bleu Institute were marveling over not only the mac and cheese video, but also another video Awlton had attached last minute of a frozen pizza cooking in the oven.
AUSTIN, TX- Citing the fact that she was simply too nervous, area senior Bailey S’Douza at East Panama Red High School, reportedly flat out refused to check her college admissions decisions. According to sources, S’Douza felt nauseous and began to cry every time she saw an email with the subject line of “Status Update on Applicant Status Portal”. “May 1st, the deadline to decide, has long gone and S’Douza is long gone as well. I guess she isn’t going to college. Maybe she can join me at DeVry University?” A friend of S’Douza’s reportedly stated. “I mean, you can’t get rejected if you never check the applicant portal,” another source said, making a reference to the Roll Safe meme that had become a living representation of Bailey S’Douza’s life. At press time admissions officers at Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, and MIT were reportedly scratching their heads while wondering why S’Douza had completely ignored their acceptance offers.
AUSTIN, TX- Giving instructions to students in a monotone, area computer science teacher Mrs. Platterson, 41, is reportedly slowing turning into an actual computer. According to sources, Mrs. Platterson’s mechanic walk and completely apathetic voice are signs of Patterson no longer identifying with the gender male or female, but instead with “computer”. “I’ve seen Mrs. Platterson walking out the building to her car a couple of times,” a student told a source, “and when she puts on her square aviator sunglasses I feel the impending doom of a robot takeover.” Sources note that teachers have seen a difference in Platterson’s habits as well. “Mrs. Platterson used to bring in homemade cookies for our teachers, but now she just brings in nine volt batteries on occasion.” At press time, Mrs. Platterson was reportedly seen trying to unsuccessfully push a USB stick labeled “cyborg” into her forearm, which further convinced students of her transitioning state.
AUSTIN, TX- Being ridiculed from both the passenger and back seat, area teen Tina Lawar, 18, was reportedly quickly losing patience with the two teenage girls she was driving. “I am just so tired of always being made fun of. So what if I drove past a stop sign and ran over a squirrel? It was just one time, alright?” Lawar reportedly said to sources. Although Lawar has never received a ticket, sources note that her two accidents on record are with standing cars in parking lots, inviting suspicion that both on and off the road Lawar poses a significant danger to society. At press time Lawar’s friends Louise Gresh and Gene Manchuria continued to make fun of her as she cruised down the toll road at a nice and easy 25 miles per hour.
AUSTIN, TX- Working very diligently to mispronounce names on the attendance sheet while taking roll in a freshman class, local substitute teacher Ralph Emerson, 35, was reportedly thoroughly enjoying himself. Sources confirmed that Emerson, despite having a very diverse group of friends and attending one of the top collegiate institutions of the nation, was unable to correctly pronounce even one name on the attendance sheet. “He pronounced Jacob as ‘ha-cub’ and Tyler Mackovich as ‘Taylor Smackabich’,” a student reportedly told one of our sources. “Don’t even get me started on the Asian names.” At press time, Emerson reportedly continued to throw out mispronunciations that would follow each freshman to their senior year.
AUSTIN, TX- Closing the College Board SAT Preparation book with gusto, local student Miles Johnston reportedly decided “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” was the best method for gaining the most points on the October SAT he was taking tomorrow. According to sources, Johnston reportedly explained to his mother “I tried to use the prep book, but it didn’t really help. I’ve been doing ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’ since Kindergarten. It’s foolproof.” Sources agree with Johnston, citing his near perfect practice test scores. “It is quite astonishing, but it really does seem to work,” Johnston’s older sister stated after seeing a 2400 at the top of his last practice test. At press time, Johnston’s mother was reportedly bragging to friends about her son’s natural ability to master such techniques.