WASHINGTON D.C.- After a taxing year of seeing production possibilities stagnate due to a lack of investment in both education and healthcare, our area government decided to physically shift the long run aggregate supply curve to the right on paper. “You know,” a local politician reportedly stated, “since the LRAS curve isn’t going anywhere and the production possibilities frontier has hardly shifted in the past 20 years. Our executive branch made a decision to pick up the LRAS curve and throw it to the other end of the AS/AD model as if it were a football. Touchdown!” According to our sources, economists feel as though this move by the government will bring about a new age of economic prosperity. “Forget about subsidizing education and increasing productivity by ensuring workers in America are healthy,” a leading local economist told our sources, “this move made with just a pencil and a piece of paper will revolutionize our economic system!” At press time government officials were frantically searching for an eraser to fix their problems after discovering that they had gone a little bit too far.
AUSTIN, TX- Local teen Tina Lawar could reportedly feel her self esteem plummeting as she opened the popular app “Words With Friends” to see the word “oxyphenbutazone”, which had racked up a grand total of 1,672 points. “Honestly there was just this feeling of hopelessness. I mean, how could I ever come back from such a huge loss?” Lawar said to one of our sources. Lawar’s inability to make words over 30 points had reportedly already drastically lowered her self confidence and seeing her friend win repeatedly and at times even lose on purpose to save Lawar some dignity was almost completely destroying her life- Lawar has given up on any ambition other than playing Words With Friends. “It’s so unfair,” Lawar protested to our sources regarding her most recent loss due to the word oxyphenbutazone, “I’m the one in organic chemistry you know?” At press time Lawar was reportedly settling for a 10 point word after deciding to never leave the house due to the shame Words With Friends had not only brought to “[her] but also [her] family”.
AUSTIN, TX- Giving instructions to students in a monotone, area computer science teacher Mrs. Platterson, 41, is reportedly slowing turning into an actual computer. According to sources, Mrs. Platterson’s mechanic walk and completely apathetic voice are signs of Patterson no longer identifying with the gender male or female, but instead with “computer”. “I’ve seen Mrs. Platterson walking out the building to her car a couple of times,” a student told a source, “and when she puts on her square aviator sunglasses I feel the impending doom of a robot takeover.” Sources note that teachers have seen a difference in Platterson’s habits as well. “Mrs. Platterson used to bring in homemade cookies for our teachers, but now she just brings in nine volt batteries on occasion.” At press time, Mrs. Platterson was reportedly seen trying to unsuccessfully push a USB stick labeled “cyborg” into her forearm, which further convinced students of her transitioning state.
AUSTIN, TX- Being ridiculed from both the passenger and back seat, area teen Tina Lawar, 18, was reportedly quickly losing patience with the two teenage girls she was driving. “I am just so tired of always being made fun of. So what if I drove past a stop sign and ran over a squirrel? It was just one time, alright?” Lawar reportedly said to sources. Although Lawar has never received a ticket, sources note that her two accidents on record are with standing cars in parking lots, inviting suspicion that both on and off the road Lawar poses a significant danger to society. At press time Lawar’s friends Louise Gresh and Gene Manchuria continued to make fun of her as she cruised down the toll road at a nice and easy 25 miles per hour.
AUSTIN, TX- Sporting fancy blue crocs and a fuzzy green beanie, local substitute teacher Ms. Miles, 29, looked way too excited to discuss classic novel Pride and Prejudice with a class of second semester seniors. According to students in the class, within the first five minutes of discussion Mrs. Miles had already succeeded in telling her life story, including the parts where she reportedly had 10 adopted siblings and a strict German mother. Sources noted Ms. Miles’ big, silver hoops swinging to and fro as she speculated on possible lesbian relationships in the classic Pride and Prejudice. “That definitely didn’t happen in the movie,” local senior said, staring at Ms. Miles’ blue crocs with disdain. At press time Ms. Miles was reportedly asking students “Why you looking at me like I’m from another planet?” The rhetorical answer came a second later. “I’m just from Hong Kong.”
AUSTIN, TX- Reaching over the other guests at the table to grab the red basket of chips, area man Tom Jones was reportedly unable to stop eating tortilla chips at a local Mexican restaurant. “I just can’t stop,” Jones reportedly said to guests in awe. “These things are addictive.” Jones’ family members who joined him were, according to sources, disgusted. “I can’t believe he keeps stuffing chips in his mouth. Will he even have room for dinner?” Jones’ mother reportedly whispered with concern to a source. At press time Jones, despite seeing that the food was on its way to the table, continued to dip a tortilla chip in salsa and place it carefully in his mouth.