WASHINGTON D.C.- After a taxing year of seeing production possibilities stagnate due to a lack of investment in both education and healthcare, our area government decided to physically shift the long run aggregate supply curve to the right on paper. “You know,” a local politician reportedly stated, “since the LRAS curve isn’t going anywhere and the production possibilities frontier has hardly shifted in the past 20 years. Our executive branch made a decision to pick up the LRAS curve and throw it to the other end of the AS/AD model as if it were a football. Touchdown!” According to our sources, economists feel as though this move by the government will bring about a new age of economic prosperity. “Forget about subsidizing education and increasing productivity by ensuring workers in America are healthy,” a leading local economist told our sources, “this move made with just a pencil and a piece of paper will revolutionize our economic system!” At press time government officials were frantically searching for an eraser to fix their problems after discovering that they had gone a little bit too far.
BANDERA, TX- Local teen Katie Awlton, 18, was reportedly seen totally freaking out when she saw a tiny spider near her campsite. According to our sources, while putting up her tent as the sun was setting in rural Texas, Awlton spotted a small spider measuring less than one centimeter in length. “I was like what the fuck! I mean a freaking spider? Near our campsite? In the middle of the woods? That’s fucking disgusting! I feel personally victimized.” Awlton reportedly remarked to her friend Tina Lawar who had joined her on the camping trip. Sources say that bugs are, in fact, rare occurrences in the wilderness, especially while camping. At press time, Awlton and Lawar were both freaking out as they heard a raccoon near their tent, another thing campers never expect to see in the wilderness, especially when they leave food out at night on the campsite.
AUSTIN, TX- Local teen Tina Lawar could reportedly feel her self esteem plummeting as she opened the popular app “Words With Friends” to see the word “oxyphenbutazone”, which had racked up a grand total of 1,672 points. “Honestly there was just this feeling of hopelessness. I mean, how could I ever come back from such a huge loss?” Lawar said to one of our sources. Lawar’s inability to make words over 30 points had reportedly already drastically lowered her self confidence and seeing her friend win repeatedly and at times even lose on purpose to save Lawar some dignity was almost completely destroying her life- Lawar has given up on any ambition other than playing Words With Friends. “It’s so unfair,” Lawar protested to our sources regarding her most recent loss due to the word oxyphenbutazone, “I’m the one in organic chemistry you know?” At press time Lawar was reportedly settling for a 10 point word after deciding to never leave the house due to the shame Words With Friends had not only brought to “[her] but also [her] family”.
AUSTIN, TX- Unsure if her 4.0 GPA or perfect AP exam scores would get her into Le Cordon Bleu, premier for-profit university in Austin, area senior Katie Awlton reportedly decided to submit a live video of cooking Kraft Mac and Cheese along with her pristine resume. “You know, I just wanted to submit a video of me creating a true culinary masterpiece,” she casually mentioned to sources. Reportedly Awlton felt more confident about her admission since this live video would supplement any holes her exemplary extra curricular activities and test scores left. Although she had received early admission from both MIT and Harvard, Awlton was deeply concerned about the 93% acceptance rate at Le Cordon Bleu, stating that she was unable to make the cut at the University of Kansas. At press time admissions counselors at the Cordon Bleu Institute were marveling over not only the mac and cheese video, but also another video Awlton had attached last minute of a frozen pizza cooking in the oven.
AUSTIN, TX- Closing the College Board SAT Preparation book with gusto, local student Miles Johnston reportedly decided “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” was the best method for gaining the most points on the October SAT he was taking tomorrow. According to sources, Johnston reportedly explained to his mother “I tried to use the prep book, but it didn’t really help. I’ve been doing ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’ since Kindergarten. It’s foolproof.” Sources agree with Johnston, citing his near perfect practice test scores. “It is quite astonishing, but it really does seem to work,” Johnston’s older sister stated after seeing a 2400 at the top of his last practice test. At press time, Johnston’s mother was reportedly bragging to friends about her son’s natural ability to master such techniques.