AUSTIN, TX- Citing the fact that she was simply too nervous, area senior Bailey S’Douza at East Panama Red High School, reportedly flat out refused to check her college admissions decisions. According to sources, S’Douza felt nauseous and began to cry every time she saw an email with the subject line of “Status Update on Applicant Status Portal”. “May 1st, the deadline to decide, has long gone and S’Douza is long gone as well. I guess she isn’t going to college. Maybe she can join me at DeVry University?” A friend of S’Douza’s reportedly stated. “I mean, you can’t get rejected if you never check the applicant portal,” another source said, making a reference to the Roll Safe meme that had become a living representation of Bailey S’Douza’s life. At press time admissions officers at Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, and MIT were reportedly scratching their heads while wondering why S’Douza had completely ignored their acceptance offers.
AUSTIN, TX- Claiming that the pain was just too much, area student Bailey S’Douza reportedly sprained her wrist after raising her hand in math class for too long. According to sources, S’Douza wasn’t even raising her hand to ask a question. “S’Douza has an excellent understanding of improper integrals and differential equations. She actually just had to go to the bathroom, believe it or not!” a classmate told one of our sources. By the time the teacher had turned around from the board to call on S’Douza, it was too late. Sources report S’Douza was cringing with wrist in hand while walking to the bathroom saying she wouldn’t be able to participate in tennis practice after school and that she might even need physical therapy. At press time S’Douza had returned from the bathroom and was raising her hand in order to ask if she could go to the nurse.
AUSTIN, TX- Stating that she had officially moved on from her ex boyfriend, local minority Joanne Prada, 28, reportedly claimed that she has been throwing all of her energy into really “living like a caucasian.” Sources state that Prada has filled her fridge with completely organic foods like ice cubes, dirt, and water and is thoroughly enjoying her new vegan lifestyle. In addition, Prada has reportedly joined yoga classes to replace the gaping hole being single has left in her life. “I see Joanne Prada at yoga every day in her trendy mesh cutout leggings and with her Lu Lu Lemon yoga mat. It really is hard to remember that she’s a minority sometimes,” a source told us after a session of heated yoga. At press time Prada was reportedly yelling at her ex boyfriend who had come over to return her things to “get out of [her] caucasian house.”
AUSTIN, TX- Being ridiculed from both the passenger and back seat, area teen Tina Lawar, 18, was reportedly quickly losing patience with the two teenage girls she was driving. “I am just so tired of always being made fun of. So what if I drove past a stop sign and ran over a squirrel? It was just one time, alright?” Lawar reportedly said to sources. Although Lawar has never received a ticket, sources note that her two accidents on record are with standing cars in parking lots, inviting suspicion that both on and off the road Lawar poses a significant danger to society. At press time Lawar’s friends Louise Gresh and Gene Manchuria continued to make fun of her as she cruised down the toll road at a nice and easy 25 miles per hour.
AUSTIN, TX- Standing stick straight in his black button down jacket and formal khakis, local high school student David Nasadi, 18, was reportedly mistaken for the next new single party state leader by his peers. Showing an unbridled enthusiasm for learning about the sexy trio: Mao, Stalin, and Hitler while maintaining impeccable posture and a stern expression, students reportedly began to wonder if leading a totalitarian state was Nasadi’s greatest career aspiration. “I want to major in literature, you know, but David, I think he’s looking to run a single party state,” a source reportedly stated.“It’s honestly hard to see him going to UT Austin next year with his naturally dictatorial voice and resting bitch face. I think he’d be more in his element as an authoritarian leader of a small country.” At press time Nasadi was seen by sources in a local Goodwill, searching for a camouflage suit and beret.
AUSTIN, TX- Closing the College Board SAT Preparation book with gusto, local student Miles Johnston reportedly decided “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” was the best method for gaining the most points on the October SAT he was taking tomorrow. According to sources, Johnston reportedly explained to his mother “I tried to use the prep book, but it didn’t really help. I’ve been doing ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’ since Kindergarten. It’s foolproof.” Sources agree with Johnston, citing his near perfect practice test scores. “It is quite astonishing, but it really does seem to work,” Johnston’s older sister stated after seeing a 2400 at the top of his last practice test. At press time, Johnston’s mother was reportedly bragging to friends about her son’s natural ability to master such techniques.
AUSTIN, TX- Sporting fancy blue crocs and a fuzzy green beanie, local substitute teacher Ms. Miles, 29, looked way too excited to discuss classic novel Pride and Prejudice with a class of second semester seniors. According to students in the class, within the first five minutes of discussion Mrs. Miles had already succeeded in telling her life story, including the parts where she reportedly had 10 adopted siblings and a strict German mother. Sources noted Ms. Miles’ big, silver hoops swinging to and fro as she speculated on possible lesbian relationships in the classic Pride and Prejudice. “That definitely didn’t happen in the movie,” local senior said, staring at Ms. Miles’ blue crocs with disdain. At press time Ms. Miles was reportedly asking students “Why you looking at me like I’m from another planet?” The rhetorical answer came a second later. “I’m just from Hong Kong.”