Area Senior Flat Out Refuses to Check College Admissions Decisions and Does Not Attend College

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AUSTIN, TX- Citing the fact that she was simply too nervous, area senior Bailey S’Douza at East Panama Red High School, reportedly flat out refused to check her college admissions decisions. According to sources, S’Douza felt nauseous and began to cry every time she saw an email with the subject line of “Status Update on Applicant Status Portal”. “May 1st, the deadline to decide, has long gone and S’Douza is long gone as well. I guess she isn’t going to college. Maybe she can join me at DeVry University?” A friend of S’Douza’s reportedly stated. “I mean, you can’t get rejected if you never check the applicant portal,” another source said, making a reference to the Roll Safe meme that had become a living representation of Bailey S’Douza’s life. At press time admissions officers at Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, and MIT were reportedly scratching their heads while wondering why S’Douza had completely ignored their acceptance offers.

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Student Decides “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” Best Test Taking Strategy For Scoring High on SAT

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AUSTIN, TX- Closing the College Board SAT Preparation book with gusto, local student Miles Johnston reportedly decided “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” was the best method for gaining the most points on the October SAT he was taking tomorrow. According to sources, Johnston reportedly explained to his mother “I tried to use the prep book, but it didn’t really help. I’ve been doing ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’ since Kindergarten. It’s foolproof.” Sources agree with Johnston, citing his near perfect practice test scores. “It is quite astonishing, but it really does seem to work,” Johnston’s older sister stated after seeing a 2400 at the top of his last practice test. At press time, Johnston’s mother was reportedly bragging to friends about her son’s natural ability to master such techniques.