AUSTIN, TX- Local teen Tina Lawar could reportedly feel her self esteem plummeting as she opened the popular app “Words With Friends” to see the word “oxyphenbutazone”, which had racked up a grand total of 1,672 points. “Honestly there was just this feeling of hopelessness. I mean, how could I ever come back from such a huge loss?” Lawar said to one of our sources. Lawar’s inability to make words over 30 points had reportedly already drastically lowered her self confidence and seeing her friend win repeatedly and at times even lose on purpose to save Lawar some dignity was almost completely destroying her life- Lawar has given up on any ambition other than playing Words With Friends. “It’s so unfair,” Lawar protested to our sources regarding her most recent loss due to the word oxyphenbutazone, “I’m the one in organic chemistry you know?” At press time Lawar was reportedly settling for a 10 point word after deciding to never leave the house due to the shame Words With Friends had not only brought to “[her] but also [her] family”.
AUSTIN, TX- Standing stick straight in his black button down jacket and formal khakis, local high school student David Nasadi, 18, was reportedly mistaken for the next new single party state leader by his peers. Showing an unbridled enthusiasm for learning about the sexy trio: Mao, Stalin, and Hitler while maintaining impeccable posture and a stern expression, students reportedly began to wonder if leading a totalitarian state was Nasadi’s greatest career aspiration. “I want to major in literature, you know, but David, I think he’s looking to run a single party state,” a source reportedly stated.“It’s honestly hard to see him going to UT Austin next year with his naturally dictatorial voice and resting bitch face. I think he’d be more in his element as an authoritarian leader of a small country.” At press time Nasadi was seen by sources in a local Goodwill, searching for a camouflage suit and beret.
AUSTIN, TX- Closing the College Board SAT Preparation book with gusto, local student Miles Johnston reportedly decided “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” was the best method for gaining the most points on the October SAT he was taking tomorrow. According to sources, Johnston reportedly explained to his mother “I tried to use the prep book, but it didn’t really help. I’ve been doing ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’ since Kindergarten. It’s foolproof.” Sources agree with Johnston, citing his near perfect practice test scores. “It is quite astonishing, but it really does seem to work,” Johnston’s older sister stated after seeing a 2400 at the top of his last practice test. At press time, Johnston’s mother was reportedly bragging to friends about her son’s natural ability to master such techniques.
AUSTIN, TX- Sporting fancy blue crocs and a fuzzy green beanie, local substitute teacher Ms. Miles, 29, looked way too excited to discuss classic novel Pride and Prejudice with a class of second semester seniors. According to students in the class, within the first five minutes of discussion Mrs. Miles had already succeeded in telling her life story, including the parts where she reportedly had 10 adopted siblings and a strict German mother. Sources noted Ms. Miles’ big, silver hoops swinging to and fro as she speculated on possible lesbian relationships in the classic Pride and Prejudice. “That definitely didn’t happen in the movie,” local senior said, staring at Ms. Miles’ blue crocs with disdain. At press time Ms. Miles was reportedly asking students “Why you looking at me like I’m from another planet?” The rhetorical answer came a second later. “I’m just from Hong Kong.”
AUSTIN, TX- Reaching over the other guests at the table to grab the red basket of chips, area man Tom Jones was reportedly unable to stop eating tortilla chips at a local Mexican restaurant. “I just can’t stop,” Jones reportedly said to guests in awe. “These things are addictive.” Jones’ family members who joined him were, according to sources, disgusted. “I can’t believe he keeps stuffing chips in his mouth. Will he even have room for dinner?” Jones’ mother reportedly whispered with concern to a source. At press time Jones, despite seeing that the food was on its way to the table, continued to dip a tortilla chip in salsa and place it carefully in his mouth.