AUSTIN, TX- Standing stick straight in his black button down jacket and formal khakis, local high school student David Nasadi, 18, was reportedly mistaken for the next new single party state leader by his peers. Showing an unbridled enthusiasm for learning about the sexy trio: Mao, Stalin, and Hitler while maintaining impeccable posture and a stern expression, students reportedly began to wonder if leading a totalitarian state was Nasadi’s greatest career aspiration. “I want to major in literature, you know, but David, I think he’s looking to run a single party state,” a source reportedly stated.“It’s honestly hard to see him going to UT Austin next year with his naturally dictatorial voice and resting bitch face. I think he’d be more in his element as an authoritarian leader of a small country.” At press time Nasadi was seen by sources in a local Goodwill, searching for a camouflage suit and beret.
Local Substitute Teacher Very Purposefully Mispronouncing Names on Attendance Sheet
AUSTIN, TX- Working very diligently to mispronounce names on the attendance sheet while taking roll in a freshman class, local substitute teacher Ralph Emerson, 35, was reportedly thoroughly enjoying himself. Sources confirmed that Emerson, despite having a very diverse group of friends and attending one of the top collegiate institutions of the nation, was unable to correctly pronounce even one name on the attendance sheet. “He pronounced Jacob as ‘ha-cub’ and Tyler Mackovich as ‘Taylor Smackabich’,” a student reportedly told one of our sources. “Don’t even get me started on the Asian names.” At press time, Emerson reportedly continued to throw out mispronunciations that would follow each freshman to their senior year.
Student Decides “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” Best Test Taking Strategy For Scoring High on SAT
AUSTIN, TX- Closing the College Board SAT Preparation book with gusto, local student Miles Johnston reportedly decided “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” was the best method for gaining the most points on the October SAT he was taking tomorrow. According to sources, Johnston reportedly explained to his mother “I tried to use the prep book, but it didn’t really help. I’ve been doing ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’ since Kindergarten. It’s foolproof.” Sources agree with Johnston, citing his near perfect practice test scores. “It is quite astonishing, but it really does seem to work,” Johnston’s older sister stated after seeing a 2400 at the top of his last practice test. At press time, Johnston’s mother was reportedly bragging to friends about her son’s natural ability to master such techniques.
Local Substitute Teacher Way Too Excited That Class Is Reading Pride and Prejudice
AUSTIN, TX- Sporting fancy blue crocs and a fuzzy green beanie, local substitute teacher Ms. Miles, 29, looked way too excited to discuss classic novel Pride and Prejudice with a class of second semester seniors. According to students in the class, within the first five minutes of discussion Mrs. Miles had already succeeded in telling her life story, including the parts where she reportedly had 10 adopted siblings and a strict German mother. Sources noted Ms. Miles’ big, silver hoops swinging to and fro as she speculated on possible lesbian relationships in the classic Pride and Prejudice. “That definitely didn’t happen in the movie,” local senior said, staring at Ms. Miles’ blue crocs with disdain. At press time Ms. Miles was reportedly asking students “Why you looking at me like I’m from another planet?” The rhetorical answer came a second later. “I’m just from Hong Kong.”
Area Man Unable To Stop Eating Restaurant Chips
AUSTIN, TX- Reaching over the other guests at the table to grab the red basket of chips, area man Tom Jones was reportedly unable to stop eating tortilla chips at a local Mexican restaurant. “I just can’t stop,” Jones reportedly said to guests in awe. “These things are addictive.” Jones’ family members who joined him were, according to sources, disgusted. “I can’t believe he keeps stuffing chips in his mouth. Will he even have room for dinner?” Jones’ mother reportedly whispered with concern to a source. At press time Jones, despite seeing that the food was on its way to the table, continued to dip a tortilla chip in salsa and place it carefully in his mouth.
Not The Onion 