Area Senior Flat Out Refuses to Check College Admissions Decisions and Does Not Attend College


AUSTIN, TX- Citing the fact that she was simply too nervous, area senior Bailey S’Douza at East Panama Red High School, reportedly flat out refused to check her college admissions decisions. According to sources, S’Douza felt nauseous and began to cry every time she saw an email with the subject line of “Status Update on Applicant Status Portal”. “May 1st, the deadline to decide, has long gone and S’Douza is long gone as well. I guess she isn’t going to college. Maybe she can join me at DeVry University?” A friend of S’Douza’s reportedly stated. “I mean, you can’t get rejected if you never check the applicant portal,” another source said, making a reference to the Roll Safe meme that had become a living representation of Bailey S’Douza’s life. At press time admissions officers at Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, and MIT were reportedly scratching their heads while wondering why S’Douza had completely ignored their acceptance offers.


Area Student Sprains Wrist After Raising Hand in Math Class For Too Long


AUSTIN, TX- Claiming that the pain was just too much, area student Bailey S’Douza reportedly sprained her wrist after raising her hand in math class for too long. According to sources, S’Douza wasn’t even raising her hand to ask a question. “S’Douza has an excellent understanding of improper integrals and differential equations. She actually just had to go to the bathroom, believe it or not!” a classmate told one of our sources. By the time the teacher had turned around from the board to call on S’Douza, it was too late. Sources report S’Douza was cringing with wrist in hand while walking to the bathroom saying she wouldn’t be able to participate in tennis practice after school and that she might even need physical therapy. At press time S’Douza had returned from the bathroom and was raising her hand in order to ask if she could go to the nurse.