BANDERA, TX- Local teen Katie Awlton, 18, was reportedly seen totally freaking out when she saw a tiny spider near her campsite. According to our sources, while putting up her tent as the sun was setting in rural Texas, Awlton spotted a small spider measuring less than one centimeter in length. “I was like what the fuck! I mean a freaking spider? Near our campsite? In the middle of the woods? That’s fucking disgusting! I feel personally victimized.” Awlton reportedly remarked to her friend Tina Lawar who had joined her on the camping trip. Sources say that bugs are, in fact, rare occurrences in the wilderness, especially while camping. At press time, Awlton and Lawar were both freaking out as they heard a raccoon near their tent, another thing campers never expect to see in the wilderness, especially when they leave food out at night on the campsite.
AUSTIN, TX- Unsure if her 4.0 GPA or perfect AP exam scores would get her into Le Cordon Bleu, premier for-profit university in Austin, area senior Katie Awlton reportedly decided to submit a live video of cooking Kraft Mac and Cheese along with her pristine resume. “You know, I just wanted to submit a video of me creating a true culinary masterpiece,” she casually mentioned to sources. Reportedly Awlton felt more confident about her admission since this live video would supplement any holes her exemplary extra curricular activities and test scores left. Although she had received early admission from both MIT and Harvard, Awlton was deeply concerned about the 93% acceptance rate at Le Cordon Bleu, stating that she was unable to make the cut at the University of Kansas. At press time admissions counselors at the Cordon Bleu Institute were marveling over not only the mac and cheese video, but also another video Awlton had attached last minute of a frozen pizza cooking in the oven.