AUSTIN, TX- Local teen Tina Lawar could reportedly feel her self esteem plummeting as she opened the popular app “Words With Friends” to see the word “oxyphenbutazone”, which had racked up a grand total of 1,672 points. “Honestly there was just this feeling of hopelessness. I mean, how could I ever come back from such a huge loss?” Lawar said to one of our sources. Lawar’s inability to make words over 30 points had reportedly already drastically lowered her self confidence and seeing her friend win repeatedly and at times even lose on purpose to save Lawar some dignity was almost completely destroying her life- Lawar has given up on any ambition other than playing Words With Friends. “It’s so unfair,” Lawar protested to our sources regarding her most recent loss due to the word oxyphenbutazone, “I’m the one in organic chemistry you know?” At press time Lawar was reportedly settling for a 10 point word after deciding to never leave the house due to the shame Words With Friends had not only brought to “[her] but also [her] family”.
AUSTIN, TX- Unsure if her 4.0 GPA or perfect AP exam scores would get her into Le Cordon Bleu, premier for-profit university in Austin, area senior Katie Awlton reportedly decided to submit a live video of cooking Kraft Mac and Cheese along with her pristine resume. “You know, I just wanted to submit a video of me creating a true culinary masterpiece,” she casually mentioned to sources. Reportedly Awlton felt more confident about her admission since this live video would supplement any holes her exemplary extra curricular activities and test scores left. Although she had received early admission from both MIT and Harvard, Awlton was deeply concerned about the 93% acceptance rate at Le Cordon Bleu, stating that she was unable to make the cut at the University of Kansas. At press time admissions counselors at the Cordon Bleu Institute were marveling over not only the mac and cheese video, but also another video Awlton had attached last minute of a frozen pizza cooking in the oven.
AUSTIN, TX- Area senior Tina Lawar proclaimed she was just “fucking done” after seeing a footnote for Forever 21 on an official Higher Level International Baccalaureate exam. “The prose section was pretty strange- but it was the goddamn footnote that sent me over the edge.” Lawar reportedly said to a friend. In fact Lawar wasn’t the only one put off by the strange footnote, 74% of IB students globally reported feeling like they were being mocked by the International Baccalaureate Organization. “I mean we put in hours of time and effort into studying and into our internal assessments. And they repay us with what? A Forever 21 footnote. What a joke.” A student from Amsterdam reportedly stated in agreement with Lawar. At press time, IB Organization Officers were reportedly scheming to add a two-digit by two-digit multiplication problem “just to screw with those higher level math kids.”