Local Substitute Teacher Very Purposefully Mispronouncing Names on Attendance Sheet

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AUSTIN, TX- Working very diligently to mispronounce names on the attendance sheet while taking roll in a freshman class, local substitute teacher Ralph Emerson, 35, was reportedly thoroughly enjoying himself. Sources confirmed that Emerson, despite having a very diverse group of friends and attending one of the top collegiate institutions of the nation, was unable to correctly pronounce even one name on the attendance sheet. “He pronounced Jacob as ‘ha-cub’ and Tyler Mackovich as ‘Taylor Smackabich’,” a student reportedly told one of our sources. “Don’t even get me started on the Asian names.” At press time, Emerson reportedly continued to throw out mispronunciations that would follow each freshman to their senior year.

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