AUSTIN, TX- Giving instructions to students in a monotone, area computer science teacher Mrs. Platterson, 41, is reportedly slowing turning into an actual computer. According to sources, Mrs. Platterson’s mechanic walk and completely apathetic voice are signs of Patterson no longer identifying with the gender male or female, but instead with “computer”. “I’ve seen Mrs. Platterson walking out the building to her car a couple of times,” a student told a source, “and when she puts on her square aviator sunglasses I feel the impending doom of a robot takeover.” Sources note that teachers have seen a difference in Platterson’s habits as well. “Mrs. Platterson used to bring in homemade cookies for our teachers, but now she just brings in nine volt batteries on occasion.” At press time, Mrs. Platterson was reportedly seen trying to unsuccessfully push a USB stick labeled “cyborg” into her forearm, which further convinced students of her transitioning state.
AUSTIN, TX- Claiming that the pain was just too much, area student Bailey S’Douza reportedly sprained her wrist after raising her hand in math class for too long. According to sources, S’Douza wasn’t even raising her hand to ask a question. “S’Douza has an excellent understanding of improper integrals and differential equations. She actually just had to go to the bathroom, believe it or not!” a classmate told one of our sources. By the time the teacher had turned around from the board to call on S’Douza, it was too late. Sources report S’Douza was cringing with wrist in hand while walking to the bathroom saying she wouldn’t be able to participate in tennis practice after school and that she might even need physical therapy. At press time S’Douza had returned from the bathroom and was raising her hand in order to ask if she could go to the nurse.
AUSTIN, TX- Stating that she had officially moved on from her ex boyfriend, local minority Joanne Prada, 28, reportedly claimed that she has been throwing all of her energy into really “living like a caucasian.” Sources state that Prada has filled her fridge with completely organic foods like ice cubes, dirt, and water and is thoroughly enjoying her new vegan lifestyle. In addition, Prada has reportedly joined yoga classes to replace the gaping hole being single has left in her life. “I see Joanne Prada at yoga every day in her trendy mesh cutout leggings and with her Lu Lu Lemon yoga mat. It really is hard to remember that she’s a minority sometimes,” a source told us after a session of heated yoga. At press time Prada was reportedly yelling at her ex boyfriend who had come over to return her things to “get out of [her] caucasian house.”
AUSTIN, TX- Being ridiculed from both the passenger and back seat, area teen Tina Lawar, 18, was reportedly quickly losing patience with the two teenage girls she was driving. “I am just so tired of always being made fun of. So what if I drove past a stop sign and ran over a squirrel? It was just one time, alright?” Lawar reportedly said to sources. Although Lawar has never received a ticket, sources note that her two accidents on record are with standing cars in parking lots, inviting suspicion that both on and off the road Lawar poses a significant danger to society. At press time Lawar’s friends Louise Gresh and Gene Manchuria continued to make fun of her as she cruised down the toll road at a nice and easy 25 miles per hour.
AUSTIN, TX- Standing stick straight in his black button down jacket and formal khakis, local high school student David Nasadi, 18, was reportedly mistaken for the next new single party state leader by his peers. Showing an unbridled enthusiasm for learning about the sexy trio: Mao, Stalin, and Hitler while maintaining impeccable posture and a stern expression, students reportedly began to wonder if leading a totalitarian state was Nasadi’s greatest career aspiration. “I want to major in literature, you know, but David, I think he’s looking to run a single party state,” a source reportedly stated.“It’s honestly hard to see him going to UT Austin next year with his naturally dictatorial voice and resting bitch face. I think he’d be more in his element as an authoritarian leader of a small country.” At press time Nasadi was seen by sources in a local Goodwill, searching for a camouflage suit and beret.
AUSTIN, TX- Working very diligently to mispronounce names on the attendance sheet while taking roll in a freshman class, local substitute teacher Ralph Emerson, 35, was reportedly thoroughly enjoying himself. Sources confirmed that Emerson, despite having a very diverse group of friends and attending one of the top collegiate institutions of the nation, was unable to correctly pronounce even one name on the attendance sheet. “He pronounced Jacob as ‘ha-cub’ and Tyler Mackovich as ‘Taylor Smackabich’,” a student reportedly told one of our sources. “Don’t even get me started on the Asian names.” At press time, Emerson reportedly continued to throw out mispronunciations that would follow each freshman to their senior year.