AUSTIN, TX- Closing the College Board SAT Preparation book with gusto, local student Miles Johnston reportedly decided “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” was the best method for gaining the most points on the October SAT he was taking tomorrow. According to sources, Johnston reportedly explained to his mother “I tried to use the prep book, but it didn’t really help. I’ve been doing ‘Eenie Meenie Miney Mo’ since Kindergarten. It’s foolproof.” Sources agree with Johnston, citing his near perfect practice test scores. “It is quite astonishing, but it really does seem to work,” Johnston’s older sister stated after seeing a 2400 at the top of his last practice test. At press time, Johnston’s mother was reportedly bragging to friends about her son’s natural ability to master such techniques.
AUSTIN, TX- Sporting fancy blue crocs and a fuzzy green beanie, local substitute teacher Ms. Miles, 29, looked way too excited to discuss classic novel Pride and Prejudice with a class of second semester seniors. According to students in the class, within the first five minutes of discussion Mrs. Miles had already succeeded in telling her life story, including the parts where she reportedly had 10 adopted siblings and a strict German mother. Sources noted Ms. Miles’ big, silver hoops swinging to and fro as she speculated on possible lesbian relationships in the classic Pride and Prejudice. “That definitely didn’t happen in the movie,” local senior said, staring at Ms. Miles’ blue crocs with disdain. At press time Ms. Miles was reportedly asking students “Why you looking at me like I’m from another planet?” The rhetorical answer came a second later. “I’m just from Hong Kong.”
AUSTIN, TX- Reaching over the other guests at the table to grab the red basket of chips, area man Tom Jones was reportedly unable to stop eating tortilla chips at a local Mexican restaurant. “I just can’t stop,” Jones reportedly said to guests in awe. “These things are addictive.” Jones’ family members who joined him were, according to sources, disgusted. “I can’t believe he keeps stuffing chips in his mouth. Will he even have room for dinner?” Jones’ mother reportedly whispered with concern to a source. At press time Jones, despite seeing that the food was on its way to the table, continued to dip a tortilla chip in salsa and place it carefully in his mouth.