WASHINGTON D.C.- After a taxing year of seeing production possibilities stagnate due to a lack of investment in both education and healthcare, our area government decided to physically shift the long run aggregate supply curve to the right on paper. “You know,” a local politician reportedly stated, “since the LRAS curve isn’t going anywhere and the production possibilities frontier has hardly shifted in the past 20 years. Our executive branch made a decision to pick up the LRAS curve and throw it to the other end of the AS/AD model as if it were a football. Touchdown!” According to our sources, economists feel as though this move by the government will bring about a new age of economic prosperity. “Forget about subsidizing education and increasing productivity by ensuring workers in America are healthy,” a leading local economist told our sources, “this move made with just a pencil and a piece of paper will revolutionize our economic system!” At press time government officials were frantically searching for an eraser to fix their problems after discovering that they had gone a little bit too far.
BANDERA, TX- Local teen Katie Awlton, 18, was reportedly seen totally freaking out when she saw a tiny spider near her campsite. According to our sources, while putting up her tent as the sun was setting in rural Texas, Awlton spotted a small spider measuring less than one centimeter in length. “I was like what the fuck! I mean a freaking spider? Near our campsite? In the middle of the woods? That’s fucking disgusting! I feel personally victimized.” Awlton reportedly remarked to her friend Tina Lawar who had joined her on the camping trip. Sources say that bugs are, in fact, rare occurrences in the wilderness, especially while camping. At press time, Awlton and Lawar were both freaking out as they heard a raccoon near their tent, another thing campers never expect to see in the wilderness, especially when they leave food out at night on the campsite.
AUSTIN, TX- Local teen Tina Lawar could reportedly feel her self esteem plummeting as she opened the popular app “Words With Friends” to see the word “oxyphenbutazone”, which had racked up a grand total of 1,672 points. “Honestly there was just this feeling of hopelessness. I mean, how could I ever come back from such a huge loss?” Lawar said to one of our sources. Lawar’s inability to make words over 30 points had reportedly already drastically lowered her self confidence and seeing her friend win repeatedly and at times even lose on purpose to save Lawar some dignity was almost completely destroying her life- Lawar has given up on any ambition other than playing Words With Friends. “It’s so unfair,” Lawar protested to our sources regarding her most recent loss due to the word oxyphenbutazone, “I’m the one in organic chemistry you know?” At press time Lawar was reportedly settling for a 10 point word after deciding to never leave the house due to the shame Words With Friends had not only brought to “[her] but also [her] family”.
AUSTIN, TX- Unsure if her 4.0 GPA or perfect AP exam scores would get her into Le Cordon Bleu, premier for-profit university in Austin, area senior Katie Awlton reportedly decided to submit a live video of cooking Kraft Mac and Cheese along with her pristine resume. “You know, I just wanted to submit a video of me creating a true culinary masterpiece,” she casually mentioned to sources. Reportedly Awlton felt more confident about her admission since this live video would supplement any holes her exemplary extra curricular activities and test scores left. Although she had received early admission from both MIT and Harvard, Awlton was deeply concerned about the 93% acceptance rate at Le Cordon Bleu, stating that she was unable to make the cut at the University of Kansas. At press time admissions counselors at the Cordon Bleu Institute were marveling over not only the mac and cheese video, but also another video Awlton had attached last minute of a frozen pizza cooking in the oven.
AUSTIN, TX- Area senior Tina Lawar proclaimed she was just “fucking done” after seeing a footnote for Forever 21 on an official Higher Level International Baccalaureate exam. “The prose section was pretty strange- but it was the goddamn footnote that sent me over the edge.” Lawar reportedly said to a friend. In fact Lawar wasn’t the only one put off by the strange footnote, 74% of IB students globally reported feeling like they were being mocked by the International Baccalaureate Organization. “I mean we put in hours of time and effort into studying and into our internal assessments. And they repay us with what? A Forever 21 footnote. What a joke.” A student from Amsterdam reportedly stated in agreement with Lawar. At press time, IB Organization Officers were reportedly scheming to add a two-digit by two-digit multiplication problem “just to screw with those higher level math kids.”
AUSTIN, TX- Citing the fact that she was simply too nervous, area senior Bailey S’Douza at East Panama Red High School, reportedly flat out refused to check her college admissions decisions. According to sources, S’Douza felt nauseous and began to cry every time she saw an email with the subject line of “Status Update on Applicant Status Portal”. “May 1st, the deadline to decide, has long gone and S’Douza is long gone as well. I guess she isn’t going to college. Maybe she can join me at DeVry University?” A friend of S’Douza’s reportedly stated. “I mean, you can’t get rejected if you never check the applicant portal,” another source said, making a reference to the Roll Safe meme that had become a living representation of Bailey S’Douza’s life. At press time admissions officers at Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, and MIT were reportedly scratching their heads while wondering why S’Douza had completely ignored their acceptance offers.
AUSTIN, TX- Giving instructions to students in a monotone, area computer science teacher Mrs. Platterson, 41, is reportedly slowing turning into an actual computer. According to sources, Mrs. Platterson’s mechanic walk and completely apathetic voice are signs of Patterson no longer identifying with the gender male or female, but instead with “computer”. “I’ve seen Mrs. Platterson walking out the building to her car a couple of times,” a student told a source, “and when she puts on her square aviator sunglasses I feel the impending doom of a robot takeover.” Sources note that teachers have seen a difference in Platterson’s habits as well. “Mrs. Platterson used to bring in homemade cookies for our teachers, but now she just brings in nine volt batteries on occasion.” At press time, Mrs. Platterson was reportedly seen trying to unsuccessfully push a USB stick labeled “cyborg” into her forearm, which further convinced students of her transitioning state.
AUSTIN, TX- Claiming that the pain was just too much, area student Bailey S’Douza reportedly sprained her wrist after raising her hand in math class for too long. According to sources, S’Douza wasn’t even raising her hand to ask a question. “S’Douza has an excellent understanding of improper integrals and differential equations. She actually just had to go to the bathroom, believe it or not!” a classmate told one of our sources. By the time the teacher had turned around from the board to call on S’Douza, it was too late. Sources report S’Douza was cringing with wrist in hand while walking to the bathroom saying she wouldn’t be able to participate in tennis practice after school and that she might even need physical therapy. At press time S’Douza had returned from the bathroom and was raising her hand in order to ask if she could go to the nurse.
AUSTIN, TX- Stating that she had officially moved on from her ex boyfriend, local minority Joanne Prada, 28, reportedly claimed that she has been throwing all of her energy into really “living like a caucasian.” Sources state that Prada has filled her fridge with completely organic foods like ice cubes, dirt, and water and is thoroughly enjoying her new vegan lifestyle. In addition, Prada has reportedly joined yoga classes to replace the gaping hole being single has left in her life. “I see Joanne Prada at yoga every day in her trendy mesh cutout leggings and with her Lu Lu Lemon yoga mat. It really is hard to remember that she’s a minority sometimes,” a source told us after a session of heated yoga. At press time Prada was reportedly yelling at her ex boyfriend who had come over to return her things to “get out of [her] caucasian house.”
AUSTIN, TX- Being ridiculed from both the passenger and back seat, area teen Tina Lawar, 18, was reportedly quickly losing patience with the two teenage girls she was driving. “I am just so tired of always being made fun of. So what if I drove past a stop sign and ran over a squirrel? It was just one time, alright?” Lawar reportedly said to sources. Although Lawar has never received a ticket, sources note that her two accidents on record are with standing cars in parking lots, inviting suspicion that both on and off the road Lawar poses a significant danger to society. At press time Lawar’s friends Louise Gresh and Gene Manchuria continued to make fun of her as she cruised down the toll road at a nice and easy 25 miles per hour.